P08: A rainy day!

A RAINY DAY

The street light flickers and goes off,
But still a beam is seen
Coming from the little lamp burning
Inside a room, where I live.
The rain goes a bit violent,
Pattering increases on and on.
A lightning flashes and I look up,
Thunder echoes but still I'm gazing.
A small raindrop falls on my palm!
It disturbs my gaze,
I abruptly get up and enter my room.
Things appear still the same here,
Blue socks lie in the corner untouched;
And novels peek out from book stacks.
Again a raindrop I feel!
I am surprised, I look all over,
Searching for a piece of cloud
I see nothing.
In perplexity I peek out from the nearby window,
The roads are absolutely dry.
I ask my mom about the rain.
She looks at me in pain,
Holds my hand and puts me infront of glass
I then realise,
There wasn't a rain or a lightening
There wasn't any thunder too
Everything is perfect.
It's me who isn't.
Oh! I am crying...

#iamvish

WASTED!

Now I feel myself to be an engineer in it's real senses; for I consider myself wasted. It's ironical that we as engineering students never consider ourselves as something great. Guys come on! You are here to create stuff, isn't it too huge a compliment??

It has been one year since I started writing my blog. I am happy on it but i smile to myself on seeing that when i was technically no one i wrote far better. I wasn't this much wasted as today. What my college gave me till now or what i snatched from it was just luxury of not doing anything. I just wanted to rome around for 10 days and give cts for the remainder of days by....  yes 'mugging up'...  a thing which i never did in my life.

Now when i came back to my home, my room, i got reminded of all those things i did in past years when i was alone. I used to read, write, compose poems, even songs... I had that passion for giving myself the comfort i loved. Saddest part of all being that i became lazy at writing :(.  it was the only thing i was never lazy at neither dreamt of being lazy at ever.

So, after one year of starting this blog as a symbol of my passion for literature, i again get back to what i was... The book lover... The storyteller... The solitude loving person who would do the best in her nocturnal time. I want to go back to me! The real one! And I'll....  I'll!!! 

Challenge accepted!
I start again!

#iamvish

A moment of You and Me!

Cool breeze blew past me. I was sitting silently while there was chaos all around. He was there sitting next to me wearing a sweet cute smile. I coughed a little. My throat was paining badly. He became quite tensed. The love in his heart peeped out through his eyes a little when he looked at me in pity. He took my hand in his and clasped it tightly.

Turning his face he spoke that it doesn't feels good when I am sick. I felt like kissing him but resisted. He held my hand more tightly and it felt a little more strong. I leaned over his shoulder; his face being very close to mine but still his heart being closer. I could hear it beat... Might be for me..Might not also.

I tried to look up a little. I saw him gazing at some random spot while his hands constantly brushed my hair. I turned my head down smiling and closed my eyes. It felt peaceful. Breeze blew in the same fashion but now appeared more soothing. Now, I could even sense his breathe for he came closer. He kissed my cheek gently, gave a peck on my forehead and moved back. I smiled widely and his hands still brushed my hair. After a long while it felt being loved. I never wanted to open my eyes. I never wanted to go anywhere other than his clasp. I never wanted him to leave me. It was my heart not my mouth which spoke 'I love you'. I realised that yes! I do! Truly! He dropped some of my hair behind my ear and I just smiled with shut eyes. Coming near he whispered 'I love you too'! 

There was silence. Only sighs were heard... Of relief... Of love... Love that's pure and forever!
I got apart a little to have a look at him.

I saw him.... And in his eyes.. I saw a new me!!

To the one who knows who he is.
Love u. <3

#iamvish

FREEDOM -ARE YOU FREE?

Ever since I entered SRM university NCR campus, I got to know about 'Freedom' in it's real sense. Few days back, at home, I was running freely towards freedom and now, at block-A, I have a captivated freedom. I can't observe the night sky now. How stars twinkled and my favourite star choco changed it's position everyday. How I spotted it and glued my eyes to it's beauty for hours for it took me back to my life's most beautiful moments. I miss it when I can't eat breakfast at 1pm and cook maggi at 2 am.

FREEDOM...ahh! Tough word guys. Freedom isn't going to clubs and partying and doing all luxurious stuff. Sometimes it's just the fresh air we breathe. Sometimes it's just that first day when we were given permission to roam in campus. It's just that one ice cream bought at tuesday night. It's that one packet of real pineapple juice which came in canteen after long 2 weeks... I got to understand, what they say about freedom is wrong when they quote "more freedom would turn you into a rebellion". What freedom actually gives is happiness. May it be 1947 or 2015. It nurtures the soul. Always!

The day you aren't asked about the right things you do, you are free.
We all were born free. What captivated us was our mind, our perspective, to look into the world.

So, to all the people who are still in search of freedom,
If you eat sleep and wake at your own will,
If you live a life without thinking about who questions you what,
If you do what your heart feels and feel good about it,
You are free.
Don't search for a thing you already have. Just recognise it. Just live it. Some things aren't made to debate upon. They are just meant to be lived... Freely!

#iamvish

IIT is just another college...come on!

Roughly, only ten thousand students get selected in IIT every year. Does it means that the remaining students who worked their asses off are not intelligent? If I got 270 in BITSAT does it makes me less intelligent than the one who got 290. Absolutely not.

A great scientists Thomas Edison, while discovering a light bulb stated, "I discovered 99 ways of how to not make a light bulb." Had he listened to the whole world and their moronic statements, I bet he would never have been able to make one. I have a lot of anger inside me right now. It's because of this system of education, which judges a man's brilliance over a sheet of paper. Remember how we used to fight with the teacher for half a mark. Is that of any use? Does sensibility and knowledge stand nowhere? The so called wiser would say that "Yes it has no importance just because it would not make you earn money". If so is the case, why someone said - "Beta kaabil bano. Kaamyaabi jhak maar ke peeche aaegi."

For those who are imagining it to be the writers state of mind, I'd clear it that NO, it's not mine! I am satisfied with what I have for I've been taught to be so. But some people standing next to me have to give the proof of their intelligence and hard work to a bunch of people sometimes referred as family. Family, hahaha, it makes me laugh out loud! Family is a name collectively given to trust and companionship. It is said that when no one stays with you, your family does. But sometimes, it becomes the only thing you want to run away from. If you did not qualify for an IIT or BITS, will you be treated as a prisoner? Would you be just provided with a bed to sleep along with two squares of meal a day? Won't you have any right to expect some love, care and concern? Wouldn't you be allowed to talk to them just because a discussion for you is a debate for them? Is this what we call a family? NO! Rather it's just a group of people who try to hide all the incompetence behind authority. A family is a closed wrist where one supports another and not an open palm where one finger compares itself to another.

OK, so here, my question is, who actually failed? The one who did all the efforts and still couldn't make through it, but never stooped down, or the other people who are not able to accept a simple fact that he just could NOT. In my opinion, of course the latter for the are weak not to accept it and sit with it.

Guys, India is not the only country, B.tech is not the only option and IIT is not the only destination. There's a lot before and after that. Can anyone guarantee me that all IITians are earning great packages?  All IITians are not successful, and all successful people are not IITians. And this is the reason why IITs are getting extremly overrated. Come on! It's yet another college and not a job. You'll have to study there. What IIT ensures you is a quality in everything, not a JOB. Why can't people understand that !

Was Chetan Bhagat a fool to get into IIT Delhi and be a f***ing 9 pointer, then get into an IIM and then work as an Executive Director of a bank in some foreign country, and finally leave everyhing for his passion. No he wasn't. People say he is overrated. He's not. It takes courage to do so what he did. He strove to become kaabil and not kaamyaab, and finally kamyaabi jhak maar ke unke peeche aa hi gyi!!

P.S. I wish you were an S.C. dear friend! You wouldn't have faced this much. That's why reservation actually sucks !

#iamvish

A night before

It's the last night before my last exam. Lying on my bed alone, I get reminded of all those moments, all those sleepless nights and nervous days which I spent in the past year. Finally, life has taken a turn and bought me to a destination. From here, a new life will start. College life!

It's a happy sad dialogue "New place! New people!“ And now, I'll be also among those who say this dialogue. Most probably, I'll be going to Delhi, SRM modinagar!

Till here, life was easy but now it's gonna be tough and challenging! With every passing day, I have to excel. Now it wouldn't be about coming first in the class. Things would get materialistic. What would matter the most would be money! People would be keen to make competitors and not friends. I doubt myself that would I be able to survive? The answer to these questions only time will give!

Till then, keep calm and enjoy this new life starting from tomorrow.

21 may completes exact one year to my journey. Last year on the same date I started it. I didn't achieve success but I'm happy that I completed it.
Good night.

#iamvish

Marriage : A topic of endless debate

Last week, I returned from my sisters marriage. In that short span of three days, I saw a women emerging out from a girl. I saw how within a single day, a girl step by step converts herself into a women. But, among this hustle and bustle of satisfying others and pleasing them, she eventually finds herself alone.

I still remember very clearly, my sister before her vidaai said, "it feels like no one is there in this world." You can guess from this single line, what crests and troughs of emotions a girl goes through when she had to leave her home and go to an entirely new world. Old relations are bygones and new one's aren't yet strong. Whom to rely upon? What to do? How to handle oneself?

In this super fast world, one thing is marriage remains unchanged and is likely to remain unchanged forever. It's a crying girl at vidaai. No matter how strong you are, you tend to cry on thinking about this unjust. A girl nurtured by her parents is allowed to leave the house one day with a stranger and what you are left with is the 'punya of kanyadan'. If men and women are equal then still why it happens that only the girl leaves her home. Moreover she is expected to leave all the responsibilities which she has towards her parents. She has to change her name, her attire, her appreance just because now she is a bahu and not a beti. She can't do what she feels like just because she is a bahu and ghar ki izzat.

I am leaving in the middle of this endless debate over marriage.

But still, "why only we?"

#iamvish

When life gives you lemons...

When life gives you lemons, don't think about it's bitterness, instead think about how to make lemonade.

I don't know who said this, but what I know is, he must have never actually got lemons in his life.

I don't blame life for being sour, it's bound to change it's taste eveytime. I just blame my own self, for not able to make lemonade of it.

At times, I feel, I am a constant variable; for I am constant but what I see changes, with the bat of an eyelid. My life has become bitter sweet. These oxymorons have become a part of my life now.

They say faliure is the first stepping stone to success, but they never say that another faliure and then a cascade of faliures are more stepping stones. So now I can decode what they actually said. They meant to be ironical by saying that piece of wisdom. They meant to say that faliure is the first stepping stone and when you fail again and again, you get stuck on that stone only. Later, you tend to pick up the same stone and bash your head against it, or you tend to become a philosopher and talk another ironical piece of shit which would be misinterpreted as a piece of wisdom.

So coming back to lemons, it's not as easy to make a lemonade. It needs courage. Courage to use the same sour lemons as something sweet. It takes courage to use your salty tears to make your life sweet. It takes courage, when you abstain yourself from doing the easiest task of this world i.e. To QUIT!

I don't know, how to make a lemonade with those lots of lemons I have right now. But I am not that lazy to do that one easiest thing.

#iamvish

My Hero MSD!

"When I die, the last thing I want to see is the six that Dhoni hit in the 2011 World Cup final" - Sunil Gavaskar

"Dhoni is one of the finest leaders  in the game in the last 30 years and is at par with the likes of Imran  Khan, Mark Taylor and Arjuna Ranatunga."- Ian Chappell

"Strike rate of 90+, average of 50+... statistics show that MS Dhoni is the best finisher of this world." - Michael Clarke

"Dhoni backs players as well.  People like (Suresh) Raina, (Ravindra) Jadeja, and Rohit Sharma have  developed under him as players and has some terrific qualities as a  leader."  - Sourav Ganguly

"He has that uniqueness to respond to a tough  situation with ease. He does not involve himself much emotionally, and  that’s his quality. India are lucky to have a captain like Dhoni." - VVS  Laxman

“He has become the biggest brand of  Indian cricket, but remains the same. He has not changed a bit which is  really commendable.” - Keshav Banerjee, Dhoni's coach at DAV school,  Ranchi

"I have never seen a  player give as much effort  to every game. I've never seen him lose his temper. He loves taking  responsibility and when the team loses, no one feels it more than him.” - Gary Kirsten

“I would go to war with Dhoni by my side” – Gary Kirsten

“Dhoni  has changed the face of  Indian cricket. He leads from the front. He has charisma and the players  like him. He has given this team confidence.” -Wasim Akram

"Need a SIX in pressure situation? Call MS Dhoni." - Ramiz Raja

“The best compliment for me is when  someone says they’ll pay to watch me play, And I can say that I’ll pay  to watch MS Dhoni bat. MS is not the next Gilchrist. He’s the first MS  Dhoni" - Adam Gilchrist

 “Dhoni is my hero. We talk a lot  about Sachin Tendulkar, Virender Sehwag, but this boy has as much as  talent as anyone in the game” – Kapil Dev

"If 15 runs are needed off the last over, pressure is on the bowler... not on MS Dhoni." - Ian Bishop

“The coolest man in world cricket MS Dhoni delivers when it most matters!" –Michael Vaughan

 “If I am supposed to select a team, Sachin will be the opener and Dhoni will be the captain” – Steve Waugh

 "He is a great leader by example.  Someone whom I have always admired for his ability to remain balanced  and have the sense of equanimity about his captaincy,"- Rahul Dravid

"One inch here and there and a guy  like Dhoni could take you apart. He is a great finisher, he is cool and  calm and backs himself. He is a strong character." - Mahela Jayawardene

“Dhoni is the best captain I have played under” – Sachin Tendulkar

"If you want to learn batting, bat with MS Dhoni." - Ravindra Jadeja

"I don’t think one can question MS’ leadership"- Virat Kohli

"If Dhoni plays till the end, one thing is for sure. He will make his team win." - Harsha Bhogle

“I am learning the ropes of captaincy from MS Dhoni.” – DJ Bravo

"Give this man a partner at Non Striker end and he will win the match for India" - a friend

India vs Australia : a sad return

No matter right now I am in tears...yes i actually am! Because i love my team..
but we all must thank MSD for bringing us till semifinals...
Because if we look back a few months back, and compare it with today, he deserves something like "Well done captain!"

The team did the best as we saw. There wasn't any midfield, any bad balls, but the opponents were stronger and that's all!

I am sad.

But I am happy for we made it till here.

Well done MSD! Thank you so much! 
#iamvish

Judgment day is near :(

You know what's the worst part of your life? When you are too close to your goal and you want to do what it takes to achieve it, but are unable to do so, just because you don't have time! At that time, random thoughts haunt you, and you are compelled to understand the importance of time.

I have my JEE coming up. And there is no such day when I forget asking god for either time or strength. Just 10 days left for a thing to happen because of which I sacrificed a lot. I missed my sister's engagement, I wasted my one year, I did what all I had never imagined I'll do ever in my life. But still when I look back in time I have a few complaints with myself. Maybe that's good also, because a person must never get satisfied with himself. Today when I look back in time, I just wish I had some more time to do whatever I wanted. I feel like I did waste time though i didn't. I am very hopeful for this exam because I want to get rewarded for the amount of work I did in the past year. I want to earn what I deserve and I know what i deserve. I just want it now. I can't afford to miss it or return empty handed.

This time is hard to handle. With every small mistake, a part of your self confidence is lost. But, I want to pierce all the negativity and shine bright in the sky. I just want what i deserve and I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it.

#iamvish

P06- Illusion of world.

Today I saw a post on facebook which inspired me to give it a new perspective. The original post was-

Observe young lads and ladies, observe.
Observe the world around from the island you stay at alone.
Into the infinite ocean, and beyond.
Keenly and kindly observe,for few moments daily the god you pray, the nature you see, the saint you meet, the script you read, and observe,the heart that beats.

I read it and felt that, it would be indeed good to observe things around but it won't be of any use, if it's full of illusions...
So i commented this-

We see and see for long,
Watching becomes an observation,
But it's all an illusion,
Of things that don't hold good.

For if we observe lads and ladies,
They brag about things they aren't.

For if we observe a world from an island,
It seems to be quiet but it's not.

For if we observe the infinite ocean,
Is appears calm but sometimes gulps us.

For if we observe the God we pray,
We tend to question his presence.

The saint we meet,
The nature we see,
And the script we read,
All are full of flaws,
But they illusion us of having none!

But a heart that beats is never an illusion,
For it beats the same way for years and years,
Singing the same melody,
Forever.

I would name this accidental creation as, "Illusion of world“.

#iamvish

P05 : Life- a maze and not a race!

All the world's a stage;
And men and women merely players.

Shakespeare beautifully explained life in his own way.

But now life has become a race (as people say). But when you closely observe, it's a maze and not a race. You never get tired because it's long like a race, but you tend to get tired because it's complicated like a maze! So this is my another creation out the some of many which i have published-

LIFE- A maze and not a race!

They say life is a race,
If you won't run fast,
Others will surpass,
But for me,
It's a maze.

Where you need no speed,
But patience and heed,
To things spoken to you,
For things blurted against you,

Where you need will,
To maintain a zeal,
Which may grow everlasting,
For when it fades,
It takes along your ambition.

Where you need friends,
To hold your hand,
But not to bear you,
On their spines.

Where you need many players,
To make this game interesting,
But you can't let,
Anybody else win it,
For it was yours from the beginning.

Where you need tactics,
To understand it,
And play well,
Knowing it's rules but still playing false.

Where you need to win,
At the cost of emotions,
And roll the dice of sentiments,
On your near ones.

This game isn't easy,
For those who play it truly.
It breaks them,
It disheartens them,
And leaves them clueless,
But they're the ones who win,
For they win experience,
Of righteousness,
But if you play it false,
It ends in losing,
Everything you had inside.

#iamvish

Love still not decoded!

Once, someone younger asked me, "di, do you know what is love?“
I answered, "yes!"
And then he continued,"So tell me what is love?"
And i was left speechless...

I had often tried to decode this word called 'love'. I see it, i feel it, but i can't tell what it exactly is. What I can do is to wonder, that how can a single word explain so much and still remain silent. When it comes to love, it's the world's biggest varied word-

To a kid-Maa! I love you.
To a shopaholic girl-Oh! I simply love this dress.
To a singer-I love the way he plays his guitar!
To a foodie-Chicken! Yummm just love it!
To brands-I'm lovin' it!
To teens-I loved him yesterday, but today i broke up because i realized that i don't.
To readers-I love chetan bhagat.
To travellers-I love this view. I love the silence, the peace it gives and moreover i love my camera the most!

So basically, what i realised is that, love could be between human beings, between humans and animals or between humans and things. Humans are so obsessed with the word and the feeling associated with it that they can adjust it anywhere and everywhere. Being in a state of love signifies your seriousness for a situation or a thing or a person or an animal. It represents your devotion towards that particular thing.

To love, is to worship God. But after all this, still it's not decoded.
It will never be, for it has to remain beautiful. ;)

#iamvish

Some advice!

Some days back i found a question on quora.com..... And i found some very good answers which motivated me.... Thought of sharing it with you all....

QUESTION-->
Joint Entrance Examination (JEE): How should I prepare for the upcoming IITJEE in the time left? Should I focus on my strengths (chemistry) or my weakness (physics)?

ANSWER1-->
You have still got a long period dude!! nothing to worry about.
only a few points you can try out :
1.Throw aside all the other books and pick one standard set of books or coaching material. In case of confusion or to see if all the topics are there in your list use reference books
2.Always do chemistry for 2 hours if you are comfortable in it and the rest of the time devote in Physics and Mathematics.
3.Use feynman technique for Physics. It is particularly helpful to learn a lot in less time.
4.For mathematics practice as much as possible and try to think what new  type of question can be made from the question you just solved. Don't ignore the proofs if you are aspiring for advanced.
5.Make a short term routine as long time goals are not enough to keep you motivated,like today this and this chapter,tomorrow this and that :)
6.On weekends revise whatever you learnt in the week and appear for tests.and do focus on time management and try to improve it with each new question tried.
** whatever i said was based on my own experience. As I dint go to any coaching class my advice may not be acceptable depending on your case**

And All the best.Study smart and chill pill :)

ANSWER2-->
BIGGEST ADVICE: Don't waste time on internet, especially looking for answers on Quora. Your coaching guide (if you go to one) will be the ideal person to tell you how to manage your limited time, since he would be knowing where you stand in terms of competition. If you don't go for coaching, solving previous year papers is the best way to revise towards the end. You have the immense advantage of not giving boards, make the most of it. Always prefer non-socializing forms of recreation to relax - like music, newspaper, probably a sport, some TV, that's ALL!

That being said, there is no fixed universal approach for cracking JEE. Since I personally was also strong at chemistry, I can give you a few suggestions for handling it and preparing at the end moment:

1. DO NOT explore new material in organic and physical, it is mostly conceptual and there's a possibility that you would panic further since chemistry has no end to depth and confuses the hell out of us. ONLY go through the notes that you have. FOCUS mainly on inorganic at the end as that requires lot of memorization and repeated studying. I had devoted 40% of my time for physical+organic and 60 for inorganic.

2. Devote EQUAL time to ALL 3 subjects, no matter how much you dislike/like one. I can't emphasize enough on how important this is. For a subject you like, solve more and more papers, tutorials, clarify all doubts etc. For subjects you are weak at, try to go through notes from beginning, solve AIEEE/Mains papers first, and gain confidence.

3. Give ONE test (Mains is only 3 hours I believe) DAILY in the morning. If your body clock is nocturnal, start adjusting it now itself, and make sure your mind is at its sharpest in mornings. Go through solutions, analyse your mistakes and TRY TO REMEMBER them. During the remaining day, have a decent schedule of study, split properly among the 3 subjects. From March 25 to April 5, give 2  papers DAILY! You should practically be spending 70% of your time solving and analyzing papers, and the rest for final touches and revision. The papers actually help you in touching up all topics uniformly. This will make you habituated to solving papers on SUCH A REGULAR BASIS that you won't panic at all during the ACTUAL exam.

Also, you didn't explain in what way you are weak at physics, but I can suggest that look for a good reference book which EXPLAINS the topics and isn't just a question bank, like DC Pandey. Again, I'd suggest your coaching mentor will be your best help.

Final Advice: Don't Panic! You have the advantage of going one step at a time, first mains and then advanced. Go slow, focus now JUST on mains, if you are too worried. Good Luck! Hope to see you in IITM! :)

ANSWER3-->
You could try giving a mock test (preferaby of JEE Level) and see if you are getting the desired marks in chemistry. If you aren't getting the marks you desire than I guess you should first bring your chemistry to the level you want to achieve and then move on to physics. Since, you have a good command over chemistry, it wont be that tough to improve it. However, if you are achieving good marks than try strenthening physics.

S1: LIVING THE DEATH! : my first story ever.

So, this is my first attempt to write a story. I don’t know if it is good or bad or just ok to read but what I know is, I don’t want to be great. I just want to be simple. I just want to write. That's all! 

P.S. This story is not based on any type of experience and is completely fictional.

LIVING THE DEATH!

It was raining heavily. Rains here in Mumbai are totally unpredictable. It was a dimly lit evening of July 6^th. I was standing near the window watching the drops fall from the heaven and quench the mother earth. I stretched my hand to catch a few of them. They made me happy and completed my half life.

“teri hi to hai khushboo mujhme haan madno rey….” hummed I.

Suddenly I heard a knock. I went crazy because I knew who it could be. As I opened the gate, I started laughing. 

“Hahaha…tum toh puura bheeg gaye…and hey! What’s this?”

“Surprise ma’am, for you”

“Aweee, that’s so sweet Avinash! Oh wow! It’s a cake! Chocolate cake!”

“Yes dear, bought it for you because IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY YAR!”

“Oh boy! You remember it!! I thought all of it just faded away.”

“thik hai thik hai! Boyfriend nahi huin to ye bhi nahi ki kch yaad nahi raha ab.”

And there was silence for a minute. The only thing I could hear was a feeble tinkling sound of rain colliding with metallic sheets. 

“Haan tera saaya to mai huin, par sang tere na reh saku…” said the song playing in the background. 

“Aacha forget it! What will you have Avinash? Should I make tea for you? After all you are totally drenched. You might catch cold.”

“agar aaj bhi itni parvah hai, so why don’t you come back?”

“avinash……. Will…you…drink…tea…or not?”

“hmmmmm…make it.”

                                **************************************

“Aur bata Pareeta, kesi hai? Kya kar rahi hai aajkal?” Avinash asked me while having tea and his favourite Britannia Marie gold.

“Achi huin yar, and don’t even dare to ask what I am doing! After completing my b.tech what I am actually doing is trying to make my CV look better by any means. You can’t imagine what I did yesterday! I from some means I generated some fake college fest certificates for including them in my CV”

“HEHE… pinky poo wali pagli pari ………..”

Silence persisted for a second and then came a soft whisper.

“Pari…!” whispered avinash. 

“Stop it avinash! Please, just stop it!”

“Pari… I love you; please I am sorry please come back. It has been a year and there was no such day when I didn’t miss you. Remember that last September night?”

“How can I forget it Avi….. *pause* …nash”

“It’s ok you can call me Avi… my dear Pari, my angel of god”

“Avinash, please for god sake it has been a year since we moved on. I am not here where you see me. Today if we are sitting like this together, it’s just because we are friends for life. Yes we were in a relationship for 2 years but now things have changed. I have moved ahead in life Avinash. You must also for I’ll never be back. Never means never ever. ”

Avinash’s face hung. Maybe he was crying. I sat there perplexed, when my phone rang. It was Sanchit calling. I stood up and started to leave to another room for talking to him.

“Who’s it pareeta?”

“It’s my boyfriend!”

                            ***************************************

I picked up the call and from the other side a voice spoke, “heyyyy baby! My jaanu! A really very happy birthday to you darling.”

“Thanks sany, but I expected that you’ll be the first one to call me. Sadly you are the last one.”

“Oh baby you know na! This business which I run, needs a lot of time. If it has to bloom I must give it my sweat and blood.”

 

“Ya ok! Are you coming tonight to my place?”

“No jaaan! Very sorry I can’t, but guess what! I got you ordered a Gucci handbag along with perfume. And your favorite Armani evening gown, ya that red one! My driver ramesh will hand it over to you in a while. Happy my baby?”

“hmmm…”

“Chalo I gotta rush. Client is waiting. Bye bye honey. Love you.”

“Love u too sany, bye.”

And a tear trickled down from my eye.

“…..pariiii… you know what…” came avinash enthusiastically trying to convey something about the cake which he had bought for tonight’s birthday party. “…this chocolate cake is……. Hey! What happened? Kya hua baccha why are you crying my baby? You know na jab tm roti ho mera aadha khuun evaporate ho jata hai.”

I smiled at his innocence. His puppy face was the cutest thing which he acquired. I tilted my face and saw him until my vision got blocked with tears. All those flashes came back when he used to take me to nearby panipuri stall on my birthday and say “aaj jitni khaani h kha le mai kuch nahi bolunga”; the time when he proposed me, with an artificial “67 rupay waali ring” at which I grew devastatingly angry. And to cool my anger what he replied was “jaanemann, ring jhunti hai par pyar sacha hai. Tu agar saath hai to zindgi abaad hai wrna enginnering krenge aur hmesha bolenge ki beta avi teri life boht hi vahiyaat hai.” I continued to smile with my lips and cry with my eyes.

“kya hua pari….”

“kuch nahi avi…”

He smiled just because I uttered avi, an acronym with which I used to address him long back. He made me sit on the couch and himself sat on his knees on the ground, holding my hand. 

“pari, why don’t you trust me? Mene kabhi tumhe dhoka nahi dia. I accept it, whatever you saw, you heard was right but whatever you understood was wrong. Yes! Yes I did go to shruti’s home. Yes! When you saw me she was kissing me but why you didn’t see that I wasn’t. Me uske ghar gya tha, use samjhane ki pari ke alawa meri zindgi me koi nahi aa sakta, use btane ki meri pari mei duniya hai kynk wo mere khuda ka noor hai. Mai tumse jhunt nahi bol skta pari. Never.”

“ab koi faida nahi hai avinsh, kyunk naa ab tum avi ho aur na hi mai pari. We are just good friends now. Wo dost jo class 7^th se ek saath ek hi school me padhe aur school khatam hone k baad jinki dosti kabhi khtam nahi hui. Isse jyada kuch nahi. Nothing.”

After regaining my composure I spoke, “man it’s 8! Guests must be coming and I have not even changed. You wait I’ll be back!”

I went inside. I took a shower and wore that red evening gown which Sanchit has sent for me. Suddenly my eyes stopped at a red kurti which lay fresh in the wardrobe. It was avi’s last gift to me which I never wore. Then something happened naturally. I removed that expensive Armani and wore a simple kurti worth rs. 299 bought in a sale from big bazaar. I looked at myself in the mirror. I was looking much beautiful.

I came out and avi just gazed me the whole evening in amaze.

                               ***************************************

Book reading being one of my passions has forced half of my life to bury my nose inside a book and read like a nerd. I was so engrossed in Nicholas sparks that I couldn’t notice how and when Nikita entered my library. 

“pareeta!”

“hey niks! What a pleasant surprise! Aaj yaha kese?”

“shameless! It’s 25^th August. It’s my birthday, and you can’t even wish me! You nerd!”

“ouuuuuu….sholyyyyy! Happy birthday to niks…Happy birthday to nikku…happy birthday to shrey ki maal and maa ki bitiya…happy birthday to you.”

“Not funny! Thanks”

“hehe, aur bta niks, shrey kesa hai?”

“acha hai, usi k saath thi dophar se. you tell hows sany?”

“I don’t know niks”

“matlab? He is your bf and you don’t know how’s he. That’s impossible.”

“He never has time for me. Since the past 8 months I can’t even recollect 8 moments which I spent with him. He buys me gifts chocolates but never time. We seldom talk over the phone. Last time he called was because he had a profit of 18%.”

“I told you earlier, not to be with him. He is like that only. I don’t know if I must tell you or not but he is not as busy as he pretends to be. I have seen him many times with many girls.”

“niks, I know everything!”

“What! Oh crap! Still you are with him! Why can’t you see he doesn’t love you. And on the other hand why can’t you hear those yells which Avinash gives you. He told me you have stopped attending his calls also.”

“Yes I have! Because I fear, if I talk to him I will tell him that avi I haven’t moved ahead in life. I am still there where you left me. I am with sanchit just because I want him to move ahead in life. I don’t like sanchit. Not a bit. ”

“Pareeta…what the hell are you saying! So why are you actually doing all this? Why are you giving yourself so much pain? Why are you giving him this anguish which he doesn't deserves?”

“You know niks, when I was in class 10^th, I used to think that love is all we need but now I know that trusting and believing a man is more important than loving him. I love avinash, but after all that what happened, I don’t trust him even a penny. I don’t want to move back to him just to give him more pain of never believing him.”

“hmmm, it’s your life pari, do what you feel like.”

“hmm, and tujhse kitni baar bolu …pari nahi bola kro…wo bas uska hak hai…”

I went to the kitchen to bring something to eat and to hide my tears.

                          **********************************

It has been a week since avinash hadn’t called me. It was November. Avinash used to call me three days a week and what I did was just to see the phone ringing and getting disconnected by itself. Those missed calls made me feel his presence but one week and no calls! What happened to him? Is he ok? Has he found someone else? If yes, then good!  I was thinking things like these and went to sleep. At late night I was awakened by a dreadful dream where I saw avinash just saying bye again and again. I was frightened. I was terrified at the thought of losing avinash. I grasped my phone to call him. It showed 9 missed calls of Nidhi. Nidhi is avinash’s sister. I called her back and after a few rings she picked up the phone. 

A chocking voice said, “Hello pareeta di?”

 

“haan hello nidhi, what happened? Why did you call me so many times? Is everything ok?”

“pareeta di…” and she started sobbing hard.

“What happened nidhi please for god sake kya hua just tell me. Avi kaha hai?”

“bhai hospital main hain di aap aa jao please, please. Ye marine drive se right leke third churaha.”

“Hospital! Why?? Kya hua usko acha I am coming” and my eyes got wet. I called sanchit and he picked up the call at one go.

“sanchit where are you?”

“What a foolish question to ask pareeta? I am at my home. At 2 in the night where else can I be? And now you also sleep and let me sleep please.”

“sanchit! Wait! And shut up. I know you are in the tulip inn with someone and before I may call your dad, right now come to my home and pick me up. Understood?”

“umm…ya…ya…ok wait I am coming”

I collected all those presents which avi had given me and told my mom that something perilous has happened and I needed to rush. Sanchit was on the door and I ordered him to drive as fast as he can to the hospital as told by nidhi. The car stopped in a while. I sat still. Sanchit told me that we had reached the hospital. I knew it but I wasn’t able to gather the courage to go inside and inquire that what actually has happened to avinash. I slowly opened the gate and got down. After preceding a step or two I looked back at sanchit. 

I went to him and said, “Neither I love you nor you do. Thanks for the lift sanchit but it would be better if now we don’t meet ever.”

 

Sanchit saw me going and whispered, “Perfect marriage material haath se nikal gya”

I didn’t even glance back at him.

                                          *******************************

As I went inside I rushed towards the reception. But before I could reach there, someone blocked my way. It took me a minute to recollect that its shruti, the same girl who ruined my life. Again all those memories flashed back and in agony, I started retreating. Shruti stopped me from behind in a panicky voice.

“Please wait pareeta. Avinash needs you. He is in the ICU.”

I turned back and saw her in tears. It was something I had never seen. 

“pareeta” continued she “avinash really needs you, not only for this moment but for his whole life. He loves you with his heart and soul. That day what you saw was an illusion. Before you came he was talking to me that he can’t accept my proposal because he loves you. He said that day, ki pareeta mere khuda ka noor hai but I was so madly in love with him that I forgot what is wrong and what is right. It was me who messaged you from his mobile, that come to shruti’s home urgently and as you came, for no rhyme or reason I started kissing him. But today when I saw him here, lying helplessly chanting your name, I couldn’t stop myself. Maybe I am a bitch, but I am not this much small to carry on this insanity now also. Go meet him, he needs you.”

I was stunned to hear all this. I cursed myself. I felt small, too small to deserve his love. But now I was determined. I did not want to make another mistake by not being with him in his hour of need. I ran towards the ICU like crazy.

I saw nidhi. She on seeing me started crying bitterly.

“nidhi, where’s avi?”

“bhai is inside di. Go and meet him. Since the time we have bought him here he is just chanting your name.”

I started moving with small steps. I didn’t know what I would see the next moment. I opened ICU’s door. Inside I saw avinash, surrounded by artificial methods which either were keeping him alive or were monitoring if he’s alive or not. Doctor saw me and asked if I were pareeta. I nodded in yes while my eyes were glued to my avinash...yes! My. 

I lifted my sight and asked in a low tone, “what has happened to him?”

“pareeta, he is having bone marrow disorder. His bone marrow has stopped producing platelets.”

In shock I gasped, “What?? How??”

“Didn’t he tell you Miss pareeta about it? He was in this medical condition since one year and now it has come to its last stage. We are trying our level best to keep him alive.”

All the gifts which I carried in my hand fell down. I was unable to move or think. Doctor went out leaving the room empty. Now there were two broken hearts amidst a score of machines.

I sat with a thud near him. A tear fell, and then two, then three and then they went uncountable. I stooped a little on him and kissed his forehead. My dry and chapped lips along with my wet cheeks made him feel some humanly presence. I took one of his needle pricked hand in mine and caressed it with utmost love while my other hand lay on his forhead patting it gently. Going near to his ears I just whispered “avi…” with all the love I could gather. He slowly opened his eyes and smiled. He just stared at me and a tear fell from his eye.

“aley, ye kya hai haan. Mera avi aese roega wo bhi pari k saamne haan? Bash bash, kuch mat bolo. Shruti ne mujhe sab bta dia hai. Ab kabhi tumhe chhod ke nahi jaaungi.  Never avi, never ever! I’ll always trust you.”

He nodded his head slightly in yes. He tried speaking a little but it was too feeble to hear. I asked him to keep quiet and take rest but he insisted. 

“pari… please bolne do. Itne din baad pareeta se nahi balki pari se baat kar ra hu. Is waqt mai nachna chahta hu ki tum aa gayi par nahi kar skta ye…kynk….kynk mai jaa raha hu ab.”

“sshhhh…chup kuch nahi hoga tumhe. Aram karo tum bas”

“nahi pari, ye shayad meri aakhiri raat hai aur agar aesa hai to mai sirf avi banke marna chahta hu, tmari baaho mein”

“nahi avi…aesa….”

“nahi pari…please naa nahi bolna please. Ek marte hue insaan ki akiri khwahish smjh ke please. Mujhe is hospital ke ghatiya se bed pe in machine ke beech nahi marna hai. Mujhe khuli hawa me marne s pehle jeena hai. Mujhe le chalo. Mujhe le chalo.”

“avi…me tumse bohot pyar karti hu. I love you and I will do anything and everything which you want but please aesi baate mat kro. Arey ab to hmari life start hui hai. Ab to saath me jeena hai…”

“kaash! Kaash mai jee pata ye zindgi tmhare sath. Kaash pari! Par mujhe kch de sakti ho to sirf meri maut jee lene do apne sath. Let me live my death with you.”

“avi…”

“please pari…”

And we cried on and on. I helped his weak and feeble body to get up and go to the hospital lawn outside. It was windy chilly November night. He was sitting on the wheelchair while I clasped him tightly. Sometimes I patted his chest and sometimes kissed his forehead. He just saw me with the same puppy face I used to love. I chanted “avi, kuch nahi hoga.” His breath became heavier and heavier with each passing second.

I don’t know when he took his last breath in my arms.

I just saw him helplessly. He was now in a peaceful world away from here. I was left alone in this world, to curse myself and to remember him; to cry everyday for him. He lay peacefully in my arms like a sleeping baby, the unbearable fact being that he wasn’t sleeping. He made me realize that when there is love, there has to be trust. Love without trust is not love.

He left me alone to die a thousand deaths every day.

He went away, but left me with a trust; wo yehin hai.

“haan tera saaya to mai huin, par sang tere na reh saku..

Haan is safar mein bhi mai  huin, par sang tere na chal saku…

Mai huin shab tu subh, dono jud ke juuda…

Mai hu lab tu dua, dono jud ke juuda…

Madno….”

                                                                                                                                                                                              -vishruti singh.

#iamvish